"Some days I wish I could go back in life, not to change shit, just to feel a couple things twice."
- Drake // 6pm in New York (via westcoast–bestcoast)
I’ve sat and read this over and over and realized just how true this actually is. Jesus Christ.
(via lrwin)
"If he cared, he would have made an effort."
- Things I tell myself at 3 am (via thefinest-blog)
me huntin for the pussy
SSTOP REBLOGGING THIS I’M A STRAIGHT 14 YEAR OLD WHITE GIRL
Not anymore now you’re an adult-sized gynephiliac skeleton creeping eternally in a white expanse hunting for some choice vaginas.
You made your bed now lie in it.
(via succeeding)
HOLY SHIT, IT WAS THE ORIGINAL ONE
MAKE A WISH
the first post ever on tumblr
I WAS EXPECTING IT TO BE A REMAKE OF SOME SORT HOLY FUCK
WHO THE FUCK KEEPS BRINGING THIS BACK
reblog this because it shows up every blue moon
I FOUND IT ✊
I WAS SO SCARED IT WOULDNT BE THE ORIGINAL
(via drousy)
Just when I begin to forgive myself for things I’ve done in the past, I stop.
Because I will never be able to forgive myself, will I?
No.
I don’t think so.
I will never be able to get past who I really am.
Because some people change. And others are stuck forever in who they always are, always have been, always will be. Terrible people.
I fall under this category. It’s safe to say that underneath everything people see in me I am the worst person on this planet. Am I fake because I talk a big talk of trying to make the world a better place when I can’t even fix the rotting system inside of me? Yes. I believe I am.
There is no positive end to my story. Time after time, I say, “This is it! I can come out from the rubble! I can rise from the ashes. I can change.”
But those are all words.
I know who I am better than anyone else on the planet. I know what I am inside, deep, deep, deep down underneath the face I have and the body I wield and the voice I harbor. I see myself better than anyone on the planet sees me. I can see the monster where others see a person. I can hear the animal when others hear a girl. I can feel the demons where others feel a humanly presence.
All that I have built is built for nothing. I’ve never hated anyone as much as I hate myself. I’ll never be able to fix myself. I can pretend to be happy to everyone I ever loved and they’ll all be fooled but if they truly loved me they would just accept it and leave me alone to self destruct in peace. I wonder sometimes why my sister doesn’t love me the way she used to, and I realize it’s because she saw the monster inside of me before I did. I am glad that she walked away and never looked back.
Because who am I?
No one looks back at me.
Everyone runs.
And I’m glad they do, because it’s the only safe and smart thing to do. I only wish there was a way for me to run from myself.
But there isn’t.
I want to die. But I’m scared to do it. But I want to do it. I’ve wanted it for a long time now and I’ve just been waiting for the right moment. I subconsciously will the world to kill me. Never look both ways before I cross the street in hopes that a truck will just come and hit me, and then it won’t be entirely my fault, but I will still be dead, which is how I want it.
I don’t even mean to be morbid. I just want to be realistic with myself.But then again, I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. All along I’ve been living the life of someone who knows and has their shit together, but the moments of collapse are the moments where I am truly myself. Screaming and crying and throwing things at the wall. Why am I not strong enough to just end it all? Why am I still here? Why am I still here? Why am I still here? Why am I still here? Why am I still here? Why didn’t I do it back in 2013 when I wanted to more than anything and almost did? I only wish they hadn’t saved my life that day because I had no idea that sometimes things just DONT get better. Sometimes life just seems to get better and it fools you for so long that it’s so believable. YEARS. and then suddenly out of the blue the demons break out of their chains and you’re not free anymore. You’re shackled, tied down, and out of control once again.
It’s hard.
Thinking its fine for years.
I found faith when I realized I needed someone in my life to turn to when I had absolutely no one else. I regained the faith I lost during the years I realized that my father didn’t love me and never would. I know now that he was right, and I realize why he even felt the need to hurt me as much as did. I accept it. I accept you.
I accept that life is worthless.
And I accept that no matter how hard I try to be good, I never will be.
I tell this to everyone I know: stay away from me. I’m fucking crazy. I’m just a ticking time bomb. And everyone around me will have to deal with the collateral damage.
I have no idea what to say to myself. Because everything I say to myself has already been said to me through the demons i harbor inside myself. I don’t know what it feels like to be normal. I wish I was normal. I wish I was normal. I wish I was happy.
I wish I could care about the little things
But it hurts
Because my broken eyes
Only see a big
Broken world
And how I am inside of it.
Stuck
Please. Please please please please
I don’t know what to do anymore. I can cry all I want. I can pull my own hair out and scream and punch the wall until my hands bleed. I can throw everything I own against the wall and out the window
Or I could just slit my throat and be done with all of that earlier on
You know
I thought that there’s an exception
I thought that maybe I do deserve something
Anything
But I don’t see a future for myself.
I don’t see myself living anywhere. Doing anything. Wanting anyone. Needing anyone.
Being wanted. Being needed. Being loved. Loving. Feeling. Growing up
I don’t see it
Because it’s because deep down I don’t want any of it anymore
Maybe it’s because deep down I’m so tired of trying and failing at having a normal life
Maybe it’s because I see everyone around me do it so easily and I think so myself, how?
Why did it have to be me?
I’m so sorry for everything I’ve ever done to everyone I ever know. My presence is the biggest curse my life is the biggest curse my existence is the biggest mistake this planet could have ever known. I feel bad for my family because they have to deal with me. With this creature inside of me that owns me. I do not own myself anymore. I am just a body that’s been raped so many times over and over and over and over and over and over and over by this creature that at this point I belong to it. It can have me if it wants me
It has nothing left to take from me.
It has nothing left to break of me.
It has nothing left to fake for me.
It has nothing left to ruin
Because I am ruined.
And I apologize to God, most of all, for doing this to myself. Because at the end of the day I am the one to blame. I failed everyone i ever loved. I could never live up to them. I will never live up to God, who gave me everything I could ever need in this physical world. I will never make it up of Him. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry but what else can I say? It is what it is. If I have to pay some sort of punishment for it in an afterlife I can deal with it. I’ve already been through hell once.
But instead of being morbid on that level, I think it’s just easier to say
That I look forward to the end
Because although I will never have a happy ending, I will have an ending.
I will have an end.
I will have an end.
There will be an end.
Every day that I live through this self loathe that never goes away, I remind myself that this is just a physical world and everything in it is just nothing but a wave of God’s metaphorical hand.
This is nothing. My feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my life, my love, my heart, my soul, my future, my past, my present, my body, it’s all nothing.
There will be an end.
So when my lungs are feeling like they’re filled with liquid and I can’t breathe and I have no vision because I’m crying so hard I can remember to let a breath out.
Because I’m going to sleep one day and I’ll never wake up and I can’t wait for that day.
In the meantime, I’ll wake up, I’ll smile, I’ll go to school, I’ll laugh with my friends, I’ll flirt with boys, I’ll drink, I’ll write, I’ll live.
But deep down I’m just doing those things to get by and get to the moment where it’s all done and I can just finally be free from that creature that lives inside me: my rapist, my destroyer, my master, my owner, my murderer—me.
I’ll finally be free from myself.
"You can’t keep dancing with the devil and ask why you’re still in hell"
- Something my friend told me the other day (via coyotegold)
(via is-a-bellee)